I find myself ruminating…sex. As the warm water runs down my back in the morning, I think about my warm semen rolling down her inner-thigh—as warm as, if not warmer, than this water running down my spine. As I exit the shower to complete my morning routine, I manage to gain control of my thoughts and head out into the world.
On the train, I notice a beautiful woman with tootsie-roll-brown skin step onto the train. Studying her posture and facial expression, I realize she’s having a gay morning. In my head I proclaim, “I would love to kiss those lips. That walk is fierce…And th—the curves of th-those thighs…Get ahold of your self!” As my train slide to to a hunting stop at ‘Jackson‘ on the ‘Red Line‘, I exit the train and walk to work. Tending to my usual business: prioritization, email, calendar check, repeat. Oh! looks like I have a meeting with a team member today—a team member I am very fond of—we shall set many new goals and action-items in this one, I say to myself.
The meeting begins. As we talk about work goals, I switch subjects to ask about the two books I’ve spotted lying on her desk. “What are these about?” I ask. As she whips her gorgeous hair toward the backside of her right shoulder, she looks me dead in the eye to respond; my hormones raged. The voice in my head says, “She is such a powerful figure and a productive worker . . .good gracious her skin is glowing a pink hue today . . . her hair is so—”yes I will be sure to update the spreadsheets”—beautiful. Damn it, I’ve done it again. Who knew that abstinence would be such a tug-of-war with hormones?
Moving forward, I plan to gain more control of my impulsive thought processes about sex. There are times when I want to call a certain someone (ex-partner) who would willingly relieve me of my stress (please my sexual hunger). That will not only knock me ten steps backward, but it will crush my self-confidence and goals for the year. Fighting to uphold my resistance, I realize that this war will be within.